How to Show Someone You’re Listening
By Leila Rosenberg
How often do we feel misunderstood by those around us, even our closest friends and family? On the other side of the equation, how often do we feel as though we are unable to adequately provide comfort to our loved ones, even when we have the best intentions?
Licensed psychologist Caroline Fleck’s new book Validation is all about a tool that can help us be there for others in their moments of difficulty and show that we care about their experience: validation.
Validation is the “communication that one is mindful (paying attention), understands (sees rationality in), and empathizes with (connects with or cares about) someone’s experience, thereby accepting it as valid,” Fleck writes.
In other words, validation isn’t blindly agreeing with someone for the sake of calming them down but rather taking the time to listen to their perspective, identify what makes sense about what they’re saying, and then do our best to put ourselves in their shoes.
Whether you’ve tried to practice validating before or you think of it more as a skill reserved for therapists, Fleck’s book offers valuable insights and guidance on how to use validation as a tool for self-improvement and strengthening your relationships.
What is validation?
According to Fleck, when someone comes to us with an issue, our immediate impulse is often to either try to solve the problem or validate their emotions. Fleck isn’t arguing that we should always choose validation; instead, she writes, success in these moments comes from seamlessly navigating between problem solving and validating. The key lies in flexibility; knowing when a situation calls for practical solutions and when it requires emotional attunement is key to being a productive validator, as well as knowing when to shift between the two.
Fleck emphasizes that being mindful is a foundational part of this process. Defined as paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally, mindfulness allows for a deeper presence in conversations that is essential for validation to feel genuine and thoughtful. We can’t give people the attention and understanding they’re seeking if we’re too distracted by other things.
Another critical component Fleck explores is empathy. Unlike sympathy, which maintains a certain emotional distance, empathy involves connecting with another person’s emotional experience, whether that experience is positive or negative. However, Fleck notes that even when we feel empathy internally, it doesn’t always translate outwardly. To truly validate, we must attempt to convey our empathy explicitly, to demonstrate to the other person that they are understood.
For example, Fleck was treating a client who had experienced the same grief as she had: nearly losing her mother to cancer. Although she had been experiencing empathy for her client’s situation for a long time, it was only when she decided to share this story outwardly that she and her client experienced a beautiful moment of validation and connection. Even for those who are sensitive and emotionally in tune with those around them, actively communicating these feelings is necessary to make a profound impact.
Research supports the importance of this kind of connection. The study suggests that more validating parents have kids who are more emotionally aware, more persistent, and more resilient.
Finally, Fleck emphasizes that authenticity is at the heart of effective validation. It’s not about blindly agreeing or offering hollow encouragement, it’s about acknowledging the aspects of someone’s experience that make sense to us. Inauthentic validation, even if well-intentioned, can backfire, leading to the very opposite of what validation seeks to convey.
Fleck, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, reflects that she’s been able to find meaning in her own suffering through her journey as a validator. The practice of supporting others with emotional sensitivity and care, she writes, has taught her about ways to support herself — reminding us that the act of validating others can be healing for the self, too.
How to practice validation
In her book, Fleck introduces three key practices for validation. These include mindfulness skills, understanding skills and empathy skills.
Mindfulness skills include attending and copying. Attending means paying close, nonjudgmental attention to someone in a way that demonstrates interest and encourages understanding. This involves nonverbal behaviors like eye contact and nodding, as well as asking thoughtful, relevant questions that convey interest and an effort to understand someone better, such as “What do you think they meant by that?” and “Can you explain that to me?”
Copying refers to mirroring the other person’s words or mannerisms, which is a subtle but effective way to cultivate connection and a sense of mutual belonging. Human beings are hardwired to unconsciously mimic the accents, vocal inflections, and facial expressions of those around us. Therefore, for most, copying mannerisms isn’t typically a strenuous task. In fact, Fleck says that this biological phenomenon could be “nature’s way” of helping people connect and empathize with each other.
Understanding skills include contextualizing, equalizing, and proposing. Contextualizing involves validating someone’s emotional experience in light of their history, affirming that their feelings make sense given what they’ve been through. Equalizing takes it one step further, reassuring the person that anyone in their position would likely react the same way. This can be especially healing for people who have been made to feel as if they are over-dramatic or overly sensitive to their emotional responses.
Proposing, though riskier, is a powerful skill when used carefully. It involves gently stating what you suspect the other person might be thinking or feeling based on what they’ve already shared. Together, these skills help the other person feel deeply understood.
Empathy skills include taking action, emoting, and disclosing. Taking action refers to intervening or helping on someone’s behalf, but only after carefully assessing whether they want support. When debating whether to step in, it is important to consider whether the person being validated has the resources to take action themselves, whether it is something they need to learn how to do to develop necessary skills, and whether the action actively conflicts with your values as the validator.
Emoting is expressing your own authentic emotional response, using language, tone, and body language to convey what you feel in reaction to the other person’s experience. Finally, disclosing is the most vulnerable and difficult skill: sharing personal stories or feelings that relate to what the other person is going through. When done authentically, self-disclosure can dismantle shame and build intimacy, showing someone they’re not alone in their struggle.
Vulnerability is risky because you don’t want to overshadow the person you are validating with your own story or feelings. So, it’s important to tread lightly and intentionally, and to be adaptable when we make mistakes.
The right skills to use at any given moment depend on the person, the context, and your own capacity. Ultimately, validation is not just a tool for relationships but a pathway to self-compassion, as well.
This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Click here to read the original article.
