The 7 Secrets of Enduring Self-Confidence

Learn how to boost your levels of happiness and overcome a yo-yoing confidence.


Woman triumphant at sunset

We can control positive emotions (Tinseltown /

Our minds work in wonderful feedback loops that can build us up or bring us down. Renowned psychologist Albert Bandura said that our beliefs about ourselves shape us and lead to how we think, behave and feel. Our self-concept becomes the secret driver of our lives. The more stable and positive this self-concept, the less likely we are to yo-yo with every setback—and the more confident we'll feel to engage in behaviors that lead to upward spirals of growth, resilience, and confidence.
Our emotions in the moment thus have a profound impact on who we become. Luckily, the science of happiness shows that positive emotions are under our control far more than previously thought. A naturally cheery outlook on life may be inherited, but a positive one can be built through voluntary activities. If you need to boost levels of happiness to overcome a yo-yoing confidence, come join the ride!


Setbacks and failures are a part of life. And yet, there's a voice in our heads that reserves its most negative commentary for ourselves. Professor Paul Gilbert says that being our own staunch supporter and kindly voice provides us with the space to analyze our actions without judgment, hold ourselves in acceptance and thus develop the courage to go out and do the right thing. If you find it hard to be there for yourself, imagine what you would say to a friend who messed up.
Now, can you offer yourself the same understanding?

Holding hands kindness compassion

What would you say to a friend who needed compassion? (fizkes /


Although it's important to listen to our thoughts, it's equally important to know how to let them go. The human mind can be a personal tormentor. Replaying negative thoughts over and over in our minds pulls us down into a pit of pessimism that distorts reality. And given human nature and the social worlds we live in, most of these thoughts judge ourselves against someone else. Allowing the achievements and appearances of others to determine our confidence is the most self-sabotaging of behaviors.
If you find yourself constantly measuring yourself against "perfect" others, bring an end to the torture through thought distraction techniques such as going out for a jog or listening to your favorite music.

Woman running

Turn off your thoughts with a jog (Dudarev Mikhail /


We have an insatiable limbic system that constantly yearns for more. In a world of unlimited choices and an unrealistic desire for perfection, it can always find reasons to be unhappy. Shining the torch of awareness on our negative is a sure way of feeding unhappiness. Practice gratitude instead, by building a list of all that is worthy in you, and you'll not only calm the limbic system, but also remember your qualities when you feel you don't have any.
Here's one to try, based on the famous "3 Good Things" exercise studied by happiness researchers: Simply notice and appreciate 3 good things about yourself every day.

Woman thank you smile gratitude

Build a list of all that is worthy in you (WAYHOME studio /


Obstacles and setbacks feel bad enough when they happen. But when we believe there's nothing we can do to change the situation, we feel hopeless. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck encourages a "growth mindset" that reminds us of the neuroplasticity of the brain and its amazing capacity to learn and grow by forming new connections. Whenever you feel dejected by a roadblock, remind yourself of the power of "yet"—you may not have mastered the skill "yet" but it is in your power to do so!

Butterfly hands hope

A symbol of hope (Cranach / 


Although confidence has to come from within—from internal beliefs that we are able and worthy—our neural architecture places us within a narrative that contains the other people in our lives. Being around supportive friends and family who genuinely wish the best for us and cheer us along the way gives rise to real confidence and a beaming attitude.
Have you identified your support network?

Happy friends

Being around our support network gives rise to real confidence (Jacob Lund /


Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research shows that around 10% of our happiness is dependent on the conditions in our lives. Sure, it's a small percentage, but if there's something about your appearance that gives rise to feelings of shame AND it is in your power to change it, by all means go for it. It's amazing how small changes such as a flattering hair color or cut, a well-fitting jacket, or daring lipstick can work wonders for our confidence.

Woman gets a haircut

Treat yourself to that haircut - and watch your confidence soar (hedgehog94 /


Man’s search for meaning evolved as a response to the realization of the uncertainty of life. Dr. Roy Baumeister says that having a meaningful purpose that's aligned to our strengths and values builds our confidence and protects us from the chaos of emotions. Setbacks, other people’s comments, and difficult situations all take a backseat when your goal lights up your life with a spark that burns with passion. Positive emotions pick us up where low confidence abandons us and encourage us to take purposeful action instead of wallowing in our misery. And savoring these moments of growth allows them to seep down into our long-term memory to form a positive lens through which we view ourselves. There's no better way to build stable and lasting confidence.
For science-based activities to help you build your confidence, try Happify's expert track from positive psychology coach Derrick Carpenter.   

A forest path

Find your path and follow it (TSN52 /

This article was originally published on Happify, and appears here with permission. 

The author, Homaira Kabir, is a positive psychology practitioner and education consultant. She is passionate about helping women uncover their purpose and reignite their energized engagement with life. In school settings, she helps adolescents find their passions and harness the brilliance of a key stage in their development.