The Liberating Power of Forgiveness
Grudges, slights, misunderstandings – they can all build up and create barriers between friends or family members. People can feel justified in clinging to hurt feelings, but new research finds that forgiveness offers a path to moving forward and enjoying better mental health.
The study led by Harvard social-personality psychologist Richard Cowden revealed that people more inclined to forgive – not just in response to a single event, but as a consistent pattern over time – reported higher levels of well-being across a number of categories.
“Going through the process of forgiveness in a habitual sense can be beneficial to different aspects of our lives,” Cowden told the Boston Globe.
Forgiveness Changes Lives
According to the Boston Globe, Steve Koch, a 74-year-old man living outside Chico, CA, said that the process changed his life. Decades after his mother’s death, he still struggled with anger, recalling negative remarks she had made when he was in high school.
Koch learned about forgiveness therapy through a friend at church and attended a workshop last year. By then, he said, he had been “sitting with bitterness” toward his late mother for decades.
As part of the workshop, he tried what’s known as the empty-chair technique. He spoke to his mother as if she were there, describing how deeply he’d been hurt, then switched roles, answering as her – trying to account for what she had said.
The exercise shifted something in him. He began to feel empathy for her. After so many decades, his anger faded. Memories of love came to the surface.
“She was doing the best she could,” he said. “And it’s to my benefit – and hers, and her memory – that I wish the best for her.”
Originally, forgiveness research focused on people who had suffered major traumas like sexual assault and needed to move forward. Now, researchers are looking at the impact of forgiving people for the ordinary slights that everyone suffers at some time or other.
It is easy to justify holding onto a grudge, especially if the person who did the damage shows no remorse. But PsyPost points out refusing to forgive others triggers bitterness, resentment, and anger that is more damaging than whatever caused the original hurt.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Reconciliation
In The Conversation, Richard Balkin, professor of Counselor Education, University of Mississippi said that forgiveness is a way of putting aside ill will to enable healing. He added that it should be seen as a separate process from reconciliation.
But the process is not easy. Last year Balkin and two colleagues published a study about why forgiveness is so difficult. Working toward forgiveness tended to make people sad and anxious. Pursuing forgiveness forces people to confront feelings of stress, anger or sadness they don’t want to revisit.
A Friend Can Help
Talking to a friend or mentor can help with the forgiveness process. It is beneficial to see if the broken relationship can be healed, especially if the offender expresses remorse and changes behavior. If the relationship cannot be salvaged, it can just be considered an emotional debt that won’t be repaid.
Few people pass through life without suffering a few wounds. But letting go of the hurt and forgiving the people who caused it – even if, like Koch’s mother, they are no longer around – can be a liberating experience that heals the heart.
