Take Control of your Future by Letting Go of the Past

Forgiveness isn’t about the other. It’s about the self. Whether or not the person being forgiven 

deserves it, making the conscious decision to let go can free one’s mind to focus on the present and the future. It can empower individuals to replace negative emotions with acceptance and personal responsibility. 

No matter the circumstances of one’s childhood, the CONSCIOUS mommy parenting guide shares that the ball is in your court when it comes to letting go of past feelings and building a better future. 

By making the conscious decision to move one, you can become a better, more present, and more emotionally healthy parent to your own children. You can give your children the upbringing you wish you had, fixing mistakes and trauma that may have been passed down for several generations, and planting the seeds for generations of healthy, loving, and close family bonds. Here are seven ways to help you forgive your parents

Disembark from the brain train
Blaming others is a mind maneuver that has its time and place. It can be a survival tactic that allows the brain to withstand a traumatic situation, such as a difficult or abusive childhood. Blame may have helped in the past, but there comes a point when it becomes a hindrance to the present, according to a blog on Psychology Today. Once one leaves childhood, grows into an adult, and becomes a parent themselves, their parent’s job is finished and their future is up to themselves now.

Blaming others for the past can prevent people from taking personal responsibility for their behaviors or feelings. It can keep individuals trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and feelings. Research indicates that letting go of blame can be key to unlocking personal growth and a more positive future.

The undefined reports  that waiting for family members to apologize or change harms oneself more than it harms one’s parents. It’s impossible to change others; individuals can only change themselves and their response to circumstances. It’s easy to get stuck in the past, and understandable to want and insist on parents taking responsibility for their past actions during one’s upbringing. 

However, CONSCIOUS mommy explains, waiting for others to make the first move keeps you trapped in a cycle of pain and chaos. If you wait for others to change or apologize, you could be waiting forever. Meanwhile, if you accept that you have agency over your own thoughts and behavior in the present, regardless of your past, you can let go and start building a better future immediately.

What’s more freeing than choosing to not allow someone who hurt you in your childhood to control your adulthood as well?

Put your parents actions in context
HuffPost points out that parenting techniques and knowhow have evolved over time. Nowadays there is public awareness of best practices for conscious parenting and methods for interacting with one’s children that our parents may not have been aware of. Sometimes knowing this, and understanding the circumstances we were raised in, can help people move on from difficult upbringings.

The reason to attempt to bring context to how one was raised, CONSCIOUS mommy suggests, is not to excuse one’s parents, but to help an individual take their past less personally. Cultivating context can empower people to realize they may have been mistreated not because they themselves deserved it, but because their parents were poorly educated about parenting practices, or struggled with mental health issues of their own. 

Practice acceptance
For better or worse, HuffPost counsels, your childhood experiences have shaped you and helped you grow into the person you are today.

COUSCOUS mommy advises accepting the reality of what was in the past. Accept the past, the present, your reality, your parents’ shortcomings, your childrens’ struggles, your own strengths, and, most importantly, your own limitations. Self-acceptance is the process of becoming aware of one’s own skills and shortcomings and accepting oneself for who you are.  

Notice your feelings
Another practice that can help individuals recover from a traumatic or difficult upbringing is to practice becoming aware of feelings. Rather than ignoring emotions, train to become aware of them without labeling them as good or bad. Learn to acknowledge feelings without judgement, but also without necessarily acting on them. 

If someone finds that they become triggered during an interaction with their parents or when bringing up a memory of their childhood, it can be helpful to find time to take a break to notice the emotions that arise and to meditate on appropriate and beneficial responses.

Practice self-reflection and self-compassion
So often we are ready and willing to empathise with others’ painful histories, but are unwilling to show ourselves the same compassion and understanding. Self-compassion means accepting, empathizing with, and reflecting on one’s own past and present.

Learn to process the past and its impact on the present through regular, even daily, self-reflection. 

Set boundaries
Forgive one’s parents doesn’t mean allowing them to continue to cause harm. Psychology Today reflects on the independence and emotional freedom that can result from distancing oneself from toxic or abusive parents.

According to CONSCIOUS mommy, beginning by learning to assert yourself in interactions with parents. For example, you can politely, but firmly, tell a parent they cannot yell at you. If parents do not respect these boundaries, you may need to limit your interactions with them or, in extreme circumstances, cut them off completely.

Try therapy
If you don’t want to distance yourself from your family, you can ask parents to attend family therapy with you, allowing a trained and unbiased professional to help mediate your shared relationship and to unpack past issues. 

Individual therapy can also help individuals move beyond a traumatic childhood, Psychology Today suggests. One specific technique called “reparenting” is designed to help one’s “inner child” receive the parenting they never got as a child. This will help your overall wellbeing.