Let Go of the Need to Please and Step Into Your Authentic Self
Imagine moving through the world with ease — feeling calm, connected, and at peace with who you are and your decisions. That kind of life is closer than you think, and begins the moment you honor your own needs.
What if the key to living the life you truly deserve lies in changing your thoughts and actions? People-pleasing often means prioritizing others’ moods, emotions, or needs above your own, leading to self-neglect, according to HuffPost. If you recognize this pattern in yourself, you have the power to choose a more authentic path.
How to Know You’re a People-Pleaser
If you’re a people-pleaser, you might find yourself responsible for the happiness of others. The first step to breaking the cycle is becoming aware of it. One of the biggest signs you might be a people-pleaser is struggling with conflict and discomfort. While society encourages people to keep the peace, when you keep the peace of others, you let go of your own personal peace.
Another sign of people-pleasing is going with the flow when you don’t want to, Women’s Health reports. Examples include not being upfront about what you want and agreeing to outings, even if you don’t feel like it. Having trouble saying no is also a tell-tale sign that you might be caught in this pattern. “The guilt typically manifests into this idea that if they do say no, then they’re being mean to others,” Krystal Mazzola Wood, LMFT, a certified therapist, tells Women’s Health.
If you find yourself always taking the blame in situations, experiencing anxious thoughts, such as worrying if someone is mad at you, staying in unfulfilling relationships and harboring resentment due to one-sided connections, you might be a people-pleaser. Trouble expressing your wants and needs is another sign of people-pleasing. One example is not telling your significant other to make plans for a night out for your birthday, due to not wanting to feel like a burden.
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Breaking the Pattern of People-Pleasing
Putting other people’s needs before your own can feel natural and be a default way of being, according to Stylist. But shifting this habit starts with tuning into your own inner world. Read ahead for tips on how to stay true to your innermost wants and needs.
Embrace Self-Care
The first step in moving away from people-pleasing tendencies is to make sure you’re tending to your needs. While you might not take your lunch break because you believe that’s what makes you a good worker, it can be a sign of self-neglect.
“If you can even start allowing yourself to go to the toilet when you need to go and eat your lunch at the right time without making yourself feel like a terrible person for taking a break, that’s a simple way to start getting into the habit of meeting your own needs,” Natalie Lue, a boundaries and relationship coach, tells Stylist.
Notice Your Inner Thoughts
People-pleasing isn’t just a reflection of your actions, but of the thoughts inside your head. Lue says examples include saying “yes” when someone asks you to do something, despite thinking “I don’t really want to do this” or believing you must do something because people aren’t going to like you. However, these are people-pleasing thoughts, and through simply being aware of them, you can begin to change.
Pause and Tune In
One sign of people-pleasing is the need to say “yes” immediately. However, one strategy of making sure to take care of your needs is to wait a full day before agreeing to a request, according to Women’s Health. That creates a window of time to sleep on the request and check in to see whether you are excited about your decision or if you’re saying “yes” because you feel you are obligated to.
During that time, take a moment to reflect on your own needs and desires. One tip is to journal and write out your feelings. “Ask yourself what you really think or feel about a person or situation,” says Wood, LMFT, a certified therapist and author.
Learn to Say No
Now that you’ve tuned in to your true desires, start putting them into action. Lauren Cook, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, says saying no to small tasks like not being available for a full five days to pet sit will show you’re able to set boundaries. “You also get to see how the other person reacts — were they trying to take advantage of your kindness, or do they respect your boundaries?” she adds.
Boundaries Are Your Friend
Setting boundaries is vital for your mental wellbeing. While it doesn’t always come naturally to everyone, you can do it through practice. For instance, if a friend or a partner is texting you at work and it interferes with your workflow, you can mention that you’re busy and suggest a video call for later in the day.
Try Being Assertive in Secure Relationships
For those with people-pleasing tendencies, being authoritative can feel overwhelming. However, one way to practice being assertive is with family members and friends — since needs and limits are respected in more secure relationships.
“This exercise will help you practice voicing your desires and feel more confident in other relationships where the other party may be quick to get defensive,” says Jessica Carbino, PhD, a dating and relationship sociologist.
Through voicing your own needs and wishes, you’ll be able to cultivate a healthy connection with the most important relationship in your life — yourself. Practicing saying no, setting boundaries, and being assertive are all acts of self-love, and can help you live a life that’s more empowered, aligned, and true to who you really are.
