The Benefits of Building a Shared Reality With Your Partner

By Elizabeth Hopper

Seeing the world the same way your partner does can reduce uncertainty and make life more meaningful, especially during chaotic times.

Think of a time when you realized you thought about the world the same way as someone you’re close to. Maybe you shared an inside joke with a friend, or you reacted to a story in the news and knew instantly that your partner would have the same opinion.

Psychologists call this experiencing a shared reality with someone else, and it’s something we can experience both in ongoing relationships as well as in shorter interactions with strangers. Researchers have found that experiencing a shared reality — that is, seeing the world as someone else does — connects to benefits such as a feeling of closeness. And when we’re trying to make sense of something ambiguous, we feel more confident in our interpretation when we feel that the person we discussed it with has a shared reality with us.

A new set of studies highlights another advantage: Having shared reality with one’s romantic partner helps people make sense of the world and, in turn, experience a greater level of meaning in life. According to the paper, which was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, this can even buoy us through times of stress and uncertainty.

Mattering to Each Other
Researchers asked participants who were in relationships to fill out questionnaires about their relationship quality, meaning in life, and sense of shared reality with their partner, as measured by statements such as, “We typically share the same thoughts and feelings about things.”

For 96 couples, the researchers also analyzed their behaviors during a short interaction, where one member of the couple talked about their greatest fear. The researchers then analyzed videos of the interaction to assess how much shared reality seemed to be present — for example, how often members of the couple voiced agreement or finished each other’s sentences — as well as how much love and affection people expressed for their partner during the interaction.

The researchers find that participants with a stronger sense of shared reality — as measured both by questionnaires and their behavioral expressions of shared reality during the interaction — tend to report a greater sense of meaning in life. Moreover, this result can’t be fully accounted for by how satisfied they are with their relationships.

Although relationship satisfaction may explain some of the link between meaning in life and scores on the shared reality questionnaire, the link between shared reality behaviors and meaning in life persists even after accounting for how much love and affection participants expressed. In other words, validating your partner’s sense of reality — showing that you see the world as they do — conveys benefits above and beyond just showing that you care about them.

How might shared reality support people during stressful or uncertain times? In two follow-up studies, the researchers studied two groups in a rapidly changing situation — health care workers during the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic and Black Americans in the aftermath of the murder of George Floyd.

In a survey of 190 Black Americans in spring and summer 2021, the researchers find that partners with a stronger sense of shared reality report greater meaning in life — that is, a sense that we and our actions matter in the world. Additionally, the researchers find that this link can be partly explained by participants who feel in tune with their partner also reporting less uncertainty about the current situation.

In a study of over 100 health care workers in 2020, the researchers find that, although shared reality doesn’t directly predict higher levels of meaning at work, it predicts a reduction in uncertainty about one’s work — and reduced uncertainty is, in turn, related to finding one’s work more meaningful.

How to Build a Shared Reality
Do momentary changes in one’s sense of shared reality deliver similar benefits?

To test this out, researchers asked 364 participants to recall either a time that they felt similarly to their partner, or when they disagreed on something. Participants were then asked to indicate how much uncertainty they felt about the topic, as well as how meaningful their life felt at the current moment.

The researchers find that recalling an event where the participant agreed with their partner causes less uncertainty. Additionally, feeling less uncertain is connected to a greater sense of meaning in life. Thus, although experiencing shared reality doesn’t directly increase feelings of meaning, it indirectly contributes to feelings of meaning because it makes participants feel more certain.

However, experiencing a high degree of shared reality can backfire if it doesn’t leave room for new ideas. Catalina Enestrom, postdoctoral research scholar at IESE Business School and lead author of the paper, points out that “a high degree of shared reality might limit openness to alternative perspectives or reinforce echo chambers.” Future research may be needed to tease out exactly when shared reality is and isn’t helpful.

For people who might be feeling a bit out of sync with their partner, Enestrom suggests several ways to boost a sense of shared reality: make time for open communication, share activities (like preparing a meal together), and reflect on memories and goals

Not only can creating a shared reality with your partner increase closeness and reduce uncertainty about the world, you might discover that life feels more meaningful overall.

This article originally appeared on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. Click here to read the original article.